How global warming will impact the 50 states

The years 2001, 2002, 2003 and 2004 were four of the five hottest years in over a century. The ten hottest years in over a century have all occurred since 1989. Scientists are positive that the world’s over 40,000 airports, billion vehicles, and over six billion humans contribute to global warming every day. Whenever anyone turns on a light switch, drives a vehicle, throws away garbage, or burns wood, global warming gases are likely to be emitted.

Hurricanes Katrina and Rita are clearly linked to global warming. In the past 30 years, scientists are certain the Arctic has melted an area larger than Texas. There is more water in the oceans, and the oceans are warmer. For years, a little Arctic water has been smashing against the wetlands and barrier islands in Louisiana. All these factors contributed to the 2005 hurricanes. Without these factors, Katrina may have been a category 2 or 3 hurricane at landfall. Without these factors, Rita may have been a category 1 or 2 hurricane at landfall.

Because of such evidence, there is near unanimous consensus among scientists that global warming is occurring and will intensify in the future. Following is a satirical glimpse of how global warming will affect the 50 states. Given enough time and continued ignoring of dozens of ways to reduce global warming gases, many of following predictions are certain to occur.

Alabama and other states will be able to approach or surpass the all-time U.S. temperature record of 134 degrees.

Alaska will be able to change its capital from inundated Juneau to some location in the center of the state.

Arizona residents will pay considerably more for electricity as Glen Canyon Dam and Hoover Dam water levels will further decline due to increased evaporation.

Arkansas, a center of the civil rights movement in the late 1950’s, will be able to become a center for the green rights movement in the 21st century.

California will have to build tens or hundreds of thousands of new houses after future earthquakes, since greater water pressure from currently melting polar regions can induce seismic activity.

Colorado will be forced to change the focus of Aspen and other cities from skiing to some sport like shuffleboard.

Connecticut, the company headquarters of over 50 insurance companies, will be able to increase insurance costs for farms, family homes, and all coastal property.

Delaware will have to finance the rebuilding of new bridges that link the state to Maryland and New Jersey, since higher water levels will erode the foundations of current bridges.

Florida will confront several more hurricane disasters, as all hurricanes are linked to warm waters.

Georgia will finally be able to forget the damage caused by William Sherman in the Civil War since global warming will do far more economic damage.

Hawaii will have to rebuild several large hotels that are currently located near beaches.

Idaho will be able to change the name of Sun Valley to Scorched Valley.

Illinois will be able to provide unemployment insurance to tens of thousands of residents in Chicago when global warming effects the operations of the St. Lawrence Seaway between Lake Michigan and the Atlantic Ocean.

Indiana will have to cancel its gas guzzling Indianapolis 500 car race held every Memorial Day.

Iowa, a leading state in the production of corn, will be able to charge more for food products due to drought conditions.

Kansas will be able to double the size of Leavenworth Prison as economic disruptions caused by global warming will cause more crime.

Kentucky will be able to modify its nickname from the Bluegrass State to the Browngrass State.

Louisiana will be able to sell more beachfront property, as the state has been losing 25 square miles of land per year—partly due to the daily erosion effects of melted polar water in the Gulf of Mexico.

Maine, like every other state, will be able to provide thousands of new jobs for people working with skin cancer and respiratory patients.

Maryland will be able to conduct more authentic underwater drills for the students at the U.S. Naval Academy.

Massachusetts will have to relocate Logan Airport and other parts of downtown Boston.

Michigan will be able to change the nickname of Detroit from “Motor City” to “Solar City” as oil powered cars become more expensive, more hazardous, and more unhealthy.

Minnesota will issue a new license plate reading “Land of Less Than 10,000 Lakes,” since thousands of small lakes will evaporate.

Mississippi will be able to work a deal to relocate its casino workers to Kansas after the next hurricane batters the state.

Missouri, which became a state via the Missouri Compromise in 1820, will be able to propose a workable Environmental Compromise between pro-growth developers and planetary preservationists.

Montana will be able to conduct a contest to rename Glacier National Park as drought and more fires will continue to contribute to the melting of its remaining glaciers.

Nebraska, which uses the Platte River to irrigate much farmland, will be able to export sand from the dried up Platte River.

Nevada will be able to charge residents and visitors in Las Vegas perhaps 50% more for water for since Lake Mead, its primary water source, is currently 50 percent empty and more evaporation will occur in the future.

New Hampshire will be able to convert large portions of what was formerly the White Mountains to centers for global warming refugees.

New Jersey polluters will have less distance to travel to discard medical garbage on the beaches or sewage in the ocean.

New Mexico, a leading research center for nuclear energy, will receive more federal funds to develop environmentally benign fusion based nuclear energy as a replacement for coal, oil, and fission energy sources.

New York will endure more power blackouts when millions of people turn on their air conditioners in the summer.

North Carolina will be able to help reduce the national debt, as no additional funding will be needed for Cape Hatteras National Seashore.

North Dakota will have increased tourism during the Christmas season, as more Americans will have to head north for a white Christmas.

Ohio, where 95 percent of the water consumed derives from lakes and rivers, will have to undergo drastic conservation and price increases for water.

Oklahoma will be able to repeat the 1930’s exodus of the Okies to California.

Oregon will be able to change the name of Crater Lake (which is fed only by melting snow) to Crater Septic Tank.

Pennsylvania, the location where the Constitution was signed, will be able to propose several Constitutional amendments to address global warming.

Rhode Island, appropriately named the Ocean State, will be able to help the Federal Treasury by dissolving its status as a state since much of the land will revert to the ocean.

South Carolina will be able to hire more carpenters and street cleaners for hurricanes like Hugo, which like many hurricanes, occurred in the month of September after a buildup of summer heat.

South Dakota will be able to switch to more desert landscaping.

Tennessee, where mound builders were the earliest known inhabitants, may be able to propose a modern mound building technology around hundreds of miles of seashore.

Texas will be able to use what remains of hurricane-battered Galveston Island as a barrier to protect Houston.

Utah will be able to sell the name Salt Lake City to a much larger city.

Vermont, the only New England state without a seacoast, will have the option of building a canal to the Atlantic Ocean or waiting until nature brings the ocean to Vermont.

Virginia, which elected the first black governor in U.S. history in 1989, may have an opportunity to elect the first green party governor in U.S. history.

Washington residents will pay significantly more for electricity, as less water will enter the Grand Coulee Dam reservoir.

West Virginia, where the economy is dominated by coal mining, will have to provide new occupations for 10 percent of the workforce who directly or indirectly depend on coal mining.

Wisconsin residents will be able to pay less for admission to the prestigious zoo in Milwaukee since warmer temperatures will harm current animals and fewer animals will be available for replacements.
Wyoming (which experienced a massive fire at Yellowstone National Park in 1988, then the hottest year ever) will be able to create more jobs for fire fighters.